Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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