we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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