i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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