I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Randomize
