Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
