I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
