Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
