I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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