I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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