So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
