I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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