You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
