I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
