You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
