When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
