Barsexuality is the new black.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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