I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
