Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
