the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
