this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
