I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
