Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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