Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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