nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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