seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
