If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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