Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
