Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
