My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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