Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
