just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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