No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
