ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
