peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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