I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I can't put those talents on a resume
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Randomize
