My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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