"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
this boner is exhausting
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
