I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
you never un-have a 4some
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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