I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
