Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
