So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
