I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
