Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
