do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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