that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
