Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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