I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
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