she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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