you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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