We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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