dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
