The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
