Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
