I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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