I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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